19 / 24
19
phone that I have breast cancer.
Drenched in sweat (like, soaking
through the sheets kind of sweat) I
wake up with fear looming over me.
My heart is racing and I am having
trouble catching my breath. Darin is
sound asleep next to me- I am glad he
doesn’t wake up.
July 6
th
:
My nightmare comes true,
I am told over the phone that I have
breast cancer...
It is here, that I will start to share my
series of journals that I kept once I
received the news. The beginning is
pretty dark for both myself and my
family as we tried to navigate this
whole crazy situation, but it does
lighten up.
So... without further interruption-let’s
dive in!
July 6
th
11:42 AMMonday
I am informed over the phone that
my biopsy results came back positive
and I have breast cancer. When I hear
the information given to me, my heart
starts racing and I instantly become
drenched in sweat. The medical
assistant, Lorena, would never know
on the other line because I stay cheery
and friendly and act like I am putting
in a to-go order for a sandwich as she
explained to me that I needed to see
the Dr. that afternoon at 4:50 to discuss
my treatment and to bring my husband
if I needed to. I hung up the phone, fell
into a lump on the floor and began to
sob. My son came running in and said,
“What wrong mommy?” I dialed my
husband at work and sobbed for him
to come home. He couldn’t understand
a word that I was saying and at one
point asked if I was playing a joke on
him. I then called my mom, told her
my results and she said that she’d come
right over right away. When Darin
came into the house he had a look on
his face that I will never forget. His
body was slumping forward and he
made this whimpering sound and
just grabbed on to me. The first thing
that ran through my head was, “This
poor guy, loses his mom to lymphoma
and now he’s going to lose his wife to
cancer.” He started to cry and I just
stood there. Watching someone I love
breakdown always sends me to the
opposite end on the emotion scale and
I am able to hold it together for the
other person. It’s very strange, it’s as
if my body seizes up and will not let
me show any emotion in the hope of
staying stable for the other person in
need. My parents arrive shortly after
Darin and I watched as my mom and
dad entered the house crying. My dad
went directly to the back of the house
and cried. He couldn’t look at me or
talk to me. I even tried to offer him a
grilled cheese (who doesn’t love grilled
cheese when they’re sad?), but he said
no. In fact he looked at me like, “What
the hell is wrong with you? NO, I don’t
want you to make me a sandwich.” My
mom held me and cried, saying that
this should’ve happened to her. I just
watched as everything moved in slow
motion. I was in shock. I called my
sister as well and she also came in with
her kids.
It was the strangest thing. My dad
was crying and refusing sandwiches,
my mom was crying and accepting
my Kleenexes that I was handing out,
Darin kept telling me to stop taking
care of others, Marco was playing with
his superheroes and Gobi (our dog)